Dear clients and colleagues,
I regret to inform you that AMOK Creative has been the victim of a data breach. Hackers are demanding a ransom, and threatening to release years of sensitive information about how I conduct my freelance business. I refuse to enrich these criminals. I have decided instead to publicise these secrets myself. It’s not pretty, but it’s my way of taking back ownership:
1. On more than one occasion I have used the word ‘hyper-real’ despite having no idea what it means.
2. I have tried to sell an idea called ‘Dinner without drama’ on at least 3 different briefs. It’s a daytime soap parody, pretty funny IMO, but not IOO.
3. I have agreed with retouching feedback where someone says ‘Let’s knock back some of the greens in that red…’ but I don’t see any greens - I just see red
4. I have presented the platform line ‘Thing big.’ for at least 4 brands with very broad product offerings. I still thing it is good.
5. I have - with a straight face - suggested that a line in my script ‘could catch on and become part of the vernacular’
6. I have written an ad with Will Smith and Chris Rock as the talent.
7. I have written an ad that re-imagined Keith Urban as an R&B singer called Urban Keith.
8. When Urban Keith was knocked back I RE-PRESENTED him mere days later.
9. I have responded to the TikTok portion of the brief with a dance idea.
10. I know full well that everybody can see my screen on Teams.
11. I have pitched far too many experiential ideas in Martin Place Sydney, and Fed Square Melbourne.
12. I have almost no idea what to do or say at a grade.
13. I have presented split screen ideas. And doppelganger ideas. I know. I know.
14. I have done a meeting camera-off so that people won’t see I’m drinking wine on a Monday evening.
15. I have done a meeting camera-on with the wine in a mug
16. Pretty much every thing I write is - on some level - a rip-off of Bud Light ‘Real Men of Genius’.
17. I have cheerfully thanked people for feedback I am not thankful for
18. I have written an ad for an electric car where it drove through an epic electrical storm. Basically the most hack visual pun imaginable.
19. I have presented Crypto, NFT & AI ideas
20. I have billed a half day for writing a manifesto that took 8.5 minutes.
21. I have LAPPED UP the flattery in the opening paragraph of most director’s treatments.
22. I have deployed some of my best creativity when doing timesheets
23. When struggling for ideas, I have taken an alt name for an idea, and given it its own duplicate slide, to pad the overall slide count of the deck.
24. I have aided and abetted award case studies with whole sections of fiction in them.
25. I don’t even know how to properly indent the dialogue bits in a script.
So there you have it. I may have lost my dignity but I have held on to my BitCoin. Maybe they’ll think twice next time they try to hack a hack.